My supervisor’s assistant known as to say I had a suggestion to provide the brand new Iced Earth album. I’d by no means heard of Iced Earth. The child stated, “They’re the band with the singer from Judas Priest.” I believed he meant Halford. I didn’t notice the error till I’d already signed the contract. Evidently, that child by no means labored on this enterprise once more.
The band’s chief turned out to be this guitar participant named Jon Schaffer. I went to the studio to satisfy him for the primary time. He was late. Once I requested him why he was late, he identified the window at a passing taxi cab and shouted “IT WAS HIM! HE DID IT!”
Schaffer stated he wished the album to be known as The Superb Burden and be all about navy historical past. I objected to his use of the phrase “superb.” He stood agency.
“You ever serve?” I requested him.
“No,” he stated. “You?”
“No,” I replied, “however I did produce a few USO exhibits throughout ‘Nam. I’m telling you, saying something about battle is ‘superb’ isn’t cool.”
Schaffer pulled a can bear spray on me and stated “We’re calling this album The Superb Burden.” I saluted and stated “Aye aye captain.”
Schaffer wished to open the album with the band taking part in “The Star-Spangled Banner.” I advised him we shouldn’t do this.
“Why the hell not?!?”
“It’s a cliché, and also you’ll by no means do it pretty much as good as Hendrix,” I argued. “Additionally, you’ve gotten songs about Attila the Hun, Waterloo, and World Warfare I.”
“So, I’m undecided if you understand this, however Attila the Hun was Hungarian, Waterloo is in Belgium, and World Warfare I used to be fought in Europe with troopers from plenty of completely different international locations.”
I didn’t have an excellent counter-argument for that line of reasoning.
“Alright, nicely if you happen to insist on taking part in it right here, let’s not play it once more at first of ‘Satan to Pay.’”
“Since you performed it already.”
“It’s best to solely play it as soon as.”
“Why? DO YOU HATE AMERICA?” he shouted, a can of bear spray magically showing in his hand.
“By no means thoughts. Is there a 3rd place we will work it in someplace?”
Schaffer stated he’d give it some thought. I made a decision to not counsel he take away different banal bumper stickers like “Freedom isn’t free,” “We’re free/ We’ll keep free,” and “Free free free free free free free” from the lyrics.
I used to be relieved when Richard Christy confirmed as much as report drums. At the very least there was one goddamn skilled engaged on this factor in addition to me. Though it was annoying that every time he made an error, nevertheless slight, Schaffer would leap out of his chair, level on the drummer, and shout “IT WAS HIM! HE DID IT!” Nonetheless, working with Christy was a relative pleasure, and I used to be unhappy when he completed his components.
I neglect the title of the bassist. I by no means actually set to work with him anyway. He received kicked out of the studio after Schaffer realized he was utilizing an Ibanez. “There gained’t be no goddamn [racial slur deleted]-made devices on my album!” Schaffer declared. “I’ll report the components on my ESP!”
“ESPs are Japanese, too, Jon,” I advised him.
Schaffer seemed confused. “I didn’t know,” he whimpered. Then he leapt up out of his chair, pointed at his guitar tech, and shouted “IT WAS HIM! HE DID IT!”
Schaffer had chops, I’ll give him that. He didn’t prefer it the one time I made a suggestion about certainly one of his solos — “By no means thoughts!” I advised him as quickly as I noticed him reaching for bear spray — however his work was ok that it didn’t actually matter.
Sadly, when Schaffer was achieved, I needed to report Halfauxrd’s vocals. Should you assume they name him “Ripper” as a result of he doesn’t have power flatulence, guess once more. Making it worse was the truth that each time Ripper handed fuel, Schaffer leapt out of his seat, pointed at Ripper, and shouted “IT WAS HIM! HE DID IT!” I gave Ripper as few notes as potential as a result of I didn’t need to suffocate to demise in a cloud of effluvium whereas listening to some fool attempt to rat on a man who I think about will need to have fairly severe well being points.
The Superb Burden got here out and spent one week on the Billboard 200, at place #145. I’m advised followers prefer it, however the royalties it paid me wouldn’t cowl the price of my socks.
Once I came upon my supervisor’s assistant had a brother who was a music instructor, I made a giant donation to his faculty and had him fired.